Nutty-ness

Last week I acquired a new tenant in the horse barn; a baby squirrel who thought I was his new BFF. As cute as he was, the little rodent in a fur coat was constantly under foot.

No really, I almost squished him several times.

The other night, Sir Nuts-A-Lot decided he was having a sleep over in Mr. Dee's stall. Still suspicious he may be a rabies-carrying vermin, I tried politely shoo-ing him out. He just ignored me and continued to roll around making little squirrel angels in the shavings. So then I tried pushing him with my boot. In an act of defiance, he went all stiff-legged and refused to budge. With nails digging into the wood floors and little squirrely skid marks all the way, I finally managed to get him into the hallway where he had a clear, straight shot out of the barn. But no, the stubborn little rat in a fur coat just sat there, refusing to leave. But now, as I booted his little squirrel behind nudged him onwards, he started to growl and lunge at me. Little bastard. The louder I cried yelled at him to leave, the louder he growled and jumped up and down angrily.

By now it was nearing midnight, and I couldn't let the horses in until the little squirrel was out of the way. As much as he was making me cry angry, picking up smooshed squirrel wasn't a pleasant option, for either of us. So I filled a bucket of water and tried to wash him out of the barn. He rode the wave of water a few feet and then turned back to look at me. He was not too happy. But still not budging.

By the second bucket of frigid water, he just looked plain pathetic and terribly sad as he slowly scampered out of the barn. Defeated.

I, unfortunately, spent the rest of the night reading up on Eastern Grey Squirrel and how you should never allow the baby squirrels to get cold and wet or they'll die a horrible death by hypothermia.
I'm a horrid baby squirrel killer. I. suck.

Or so I thought.

The next morning Nutty McNutNut was back out to greet me, no worse for the wear. But by then I had decided I needed to break out the Hav-A-Hart trap. Sadly, I have no idea how to set the damn thing. And while I tried figuring it out, he ran in and out of it, playing, and having a great time trying to figure out what the hell I was doing.

At least he was nice enough to pose for a picture with the trap.

By Day 3 he made himself right at home. He put on a great show for a crowd of people I had at the barn; playing amongst their feet, scampering around in everyone's way, mocking me by standing on his little Hav-A-Hart trap.

I finally had my victory when I caught the little bugger on Saturday night! As I laughed triumphantly at him in his cage, this little guy came to see what all the ruckus was about.

D'OH!
I quickly grabbed a bucket, and laid it on the ground...

...and he walked right in!

So now I had two squirrels, and it's Sunday morning...what to do? What to do?
And then it dawned on me!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, MOM!
Aren't I just the best daughter ever?

And they're living the good life, being pampered squirrels.

Unless we get a hankerin' for squirrel melts...

Bing and Bong

Recently Joe and I were reminded of a TV show Joe and I Morgan was obsessed with when she was a wee tyke. "Tiny Planets" was a show that proved that kids' programs are really written and produced by masochistic druggies.

* the main characters are "Bing" and "Bong"... I guess "Puff" and "Stoner" would be too inappropriate.
* ALL the other characters are called Flockers. For those with toddlers, go ahead and ask them to say the word "Flockers". I'll wait. Nice, huh? Now imagine your kids cheering every morning "FAWKERS! FAWKERS! FAWKERS!"
* Bing and Bong travel the universe on their couch. Yeah, they like just sitting on their couch. And eating. They always seem to be hungry.
* And as if all of their creative might was spent on naming their characters, there is no dialogue. Bing, or Bong - really I don't know which is which- occasionally coos. Their writers ROCK.
* The big one wears a ManPurse ("It's a satchel!"). NTTAWWT. Oh wait, yes there is.

But despite the show making us look like horrible parents, (" No, Mrs. Pre-school Teacher, she was called little Timmy a 'Flocker' ") it was mesmerizing. We couldn't stop watching it. And their theme song is still stuck in my head all these years later. Catchy little diddy. Flockers!

So for it's lack of any real educational value, and it's rampant drug references, one has to wonder; who writes this stuff? And moreover, how do they get it actually produced and ON TV.



After about a year, Bing and Bong seemingly disappeared from the morning kiddie programing. And from the looks of it, is now being enjoyed in Germany. Tiny Planets and Hasselhoff, they take all our crap, don't they?

Scarred! Scarred For Life!

Oh those crazy Canadians, eh?
I miss those Kids in the Hall.

People You Meet in Hell

OK, not really in Hell, but people you come across that make you feel like you're in Hell.

I'm currently at my son's gymnastics. He's off flipping and bouncing while I try to ignore the world around me and enjoy the pure bliss of not having the shit bugged out of me watch him proudly. Unfortunately, there's a group of parents standing 10 feet from me who are droning on and on about how their parenting skills are far superior than everyone else. Since I rather perform my own dental work than join in their hen house banter, the sound of their self-righteous voices tests my control to not yell out "shut the hell up, you windbag dolts!".
Right now, they're discussing how one of their fellow chatty-cathys, who happens to be absent today, allows their kids to watch too much TV, too much violence, too much sweets...blah, blah, blah. They've collectively decided they must all limit their children's contact with this parent's children. I hope they're also making mental note to never miss a class and therefore leaving themselves open to be the recipient of the others' disapproval and gossip.

Oh good, they've moved on to their incredibly high home values. Fabulous. Bunch of a-holes.

I don't know if I'm just pms'ing there's a cosmic malfunction, but I seem to be encountering all sorts of jerks/weirdos/annoying people lately.

The gym seems to be a mecca for dimwits. And I'm not even talking about the blockheads that spend their entire workout grunting and sweating on stuff. No, there's a woman there that bugs the hell out of me to the point that I sorta feel guilty about it. She's not disruptive in any way, but nonetheless makes me want to put a stick through the spokes of her exercise bike. She's there every.single.time I'm at the gym. She's there before I arrive, she's still there when I leave 10 minutes later. She rides the bike or the elliptical like Tiger after a slutty cocktail waitress. I mean, sparks flying off the thing... for hours on end. But the thing is, she's a skeleton. Seriously, I always shield the kids eyes while walking past her in fear that they'll have nightmares of skeletor on the treadmill. I know I do.

I guess I should feel sorry for her or something, but I don't. Seriously, stop already. Go eat a Big Mac, and supersize it! I actually have things I need to get done daily and therefore can't literally run my ass off at the gym six hours a day. I know I'm going straight to hell probably wrong for saying this, but beyond it probably being unhealthy, her efforts are wasted; she'd riding the hein-train... toot! toot! You just can't outrun ugly.

Oh, I am evil. Still love me?

And then there's the guy at the pool. Again, I swear he lives there. No matter what time we go to the pool - mornings, evenings, weekends - he's there. We call him Milton. And yes, he looks like this:

Now picture him in a bathing suit.

And stop gagging.

Milton is always by himself, spending his pool time blatantly staring at all the bathers through his 1 1/2 inch thick glasses. After watching a couple endure a good twenty minutes of his company in the hot tub, where he sat uncomfortably within their personal space, staring without a word, I've made it policy to skip all hot tub time in the presence of Milton. One of these days I'm going to risk certain death to my camera phone and try to bring it into the pool and sneak a picture of him. The things I'd do for you, my peeps.

So how you doin'?

Memory Lane Monday

While riffling through the old file cabinet for a shipping envelope (which I never found, if you care) I came across an old copy of Pro Sound News magazine, a periodical for the recording industry.
In a former life I used to work in a Pro Audio Rep firm. It was an awesome gig. Among other things, our job was to make sure recording artists got their hot little hands on the products we represented. Some of my more memorable clients were Mike Score of Flock of Seagulls, who I always questioned where his accent went, Rob Van Winkle who I was always polite to and never laughed at... mostly., Emilio Estefan, who I mistakenly hung up on each and every time he'd call, but luckily he was close friends with my boss, and I was cute otherwise good at my job, so I wasn't fired we were good.
We also made sure our stuff was available for credit on album recordings. I clearly recall Carlos Santana calling in for some equipment on an album he was recording. I could hardly control my laughter! Santana!? Like he'll ever have another song on the radio! Yeah, Supernatural went on to sell 15 million copies, 9 Grammy awards, Album of the Year... blah, blah, blah. Did I mention I was cute?

Anyhoo, one of the perks of the job was traveling to Los Angeles to attend NAMM which is a huge industry convention where all the music artists, producers, engineers, ect could come out and play with all the newest equipment. My duties at NAMM were to be there, which I did...mostly. Beyond that I'd make sure our clients were happy and that I get certain industry people to come to particular events. Oh, you may remember that I'm missing that gene that allows me to recognize people , well it's made even more fun when I'm supposed to recognize people I've never met. Luckily Slash and Ace Frehley were easy to spot. But it took me half a dinner with Eric Burdon before I had a clue who he was. Luckily he was a good sport about it, after all I was only 22.

So one of my other duties at NAMM was to show up for photo ops. And show up I did...but just barely.


Here's a page out of that Pro Sound News. I had no idea this little photo shoot was going to end up in full color in a national magazine. MmmBop! there I am right there under the picture of that little girl from Hanson.

What? It's not like I look like I may have spent the entire night out in LA and only returned to my hotel that morning to grab my nifty little name badge, does it? I think this is the day I took a little nap under the desk at the Mackie booth. What? Totally respectable people have found themselves needing to catch a few Zzzz's under a desk now and then! Right Bev?

Good times indeed.

Showin' Mine

The Fantabulous Bevalicious shamed dared us to bare all on Friday... our desks that is. (relax you pervs!)
Of course Bev has nothing to hide. She has a neat and tidy workspace. Everything in its place. I know this first hand because I occasionally drop in after hours and write inappropriate messages on her phone message pad. What?
My "workspace" on the other hand consists of a cubby. Yes, a wee cabinet of a desk from which I manage 2 businesses and more importantly, do all my blog-stalking. Add to it's obscene wee-ness, the fact the kids use it as a dumping ground for every single painting, drawing, homework, notes from teachers and other pieces of crap they don't feel like finding a proper place for and there's no way to avoid disaster.
Joe often complains about how messy my "desk" is but I'm always quick to remind him that he has a real desk (you know, with writing surface and no doors!) here at the house, PLUS a 400+ sq ft office (WITH ANOTHER DESK - Yes, I have desk envy), PLUS his assistant has her own office with... wait for it.... a real frickin' desk!!! I HAVE LESS THAN 2 SQUARE FEET OF SPACE!!!! GET OFF MY GD BACK!!!!!!!

*breath* *breath*

Whew, sorry about that. Ummmm, I guess I may have some issues there.

Anyhoo, with out further warning delay *gulp* I present to you my *cough* desk.
























OK, STOP SCREAMING! I know, horrible.

Alright, I'll give you a tour. Seriously, don't stand up, we're not going far.
First, my lovely Dell... my old Dell which still possess all my e-mail addresses and website favorites so I'm sorta blackmailed into continuing the relationship.
Let's see, the thing on the keyboard, that's a bill I need to pay. Because it's sitting on the laptop that's essentially my priority file. The pile of crap to the right of it is stuff my kids leave on my "desk" or things I'll get around to...but not right now. We'll call that my "low priority" file.
Let's see, the crap stuck on the doors is the stuff I need to be able to find for a later date, but can't put into the "low priority" file cause that shit just gets lost.
What else.... oh my moisturizer; two kinds, because sometimes my skin just feels dry. And when I want to moisturize, I want it now.

So there you have it. my craptastic workspace. *sigh* it's kinda depressing.

Maybe next time I'll just flash ya.

(Nearly) Wordless Wednesday

Fun with Grammie and Bumpa - Panning for gold

Enjoying a picnic while Letterboxing


Today the horses were visited by the dentist. They were drugged heavily and awoke with clean pearly whites... but of course not before I snapped a few pictures and laughed mercilessly.

SMILE!

That's all I got. Have a great day.

Baby Jessica of the Sky!

As I suspected, Hitler didn't take this whole Balloon Boy hoax very well...


OK, OK, I couldn't decide which one I liked better.

Where's This Lady When My Truck Is Dirty?

Amazing.

Jon and Kate plus...... Cha-ching!

Allow me to first say that I had a really difficult time deciding whether or not I should post this. I mean, truth be told I've never watched the show (until last night - damn it!), nor cared to. Moreover, I'm afraid y'all won't love me in the morning just on principle that I actually pissed away bandwidth for this crap.

So, at the risk of losing your love (heck, it's too late for respect... and I'm OK with that), here's my take on the whole Jon and Kate brilliant marketing drama.

Without ever watching the show, I get that it's a reality show that follows a couple and their insanely large litter family of kids. That could be interesting for like 20 minutes, tops. But really I think it would probably just stress me out and make me glad my child-birthing days are over.
But somehow this series has survived several seasons. How? I don't know. But seriously, how much longer could it continue? Unless......

Ah yes, America loves them some dirty laundry! The paparazzi are only too eager to chomp all over this story. Send Jon out in the company of a slut young female who doesn't sport a reverse mullet and let the stories fly! Maybe I'm just bitter and jaded, but suddenly this show feels as real as "The Hills". But surely, the show's execs know exactly what they're doing.

* If Jon had really in fact cheated, You know Kate would be going all ghetto "That SOB! I'm gonna (BLEEP) kill you! You no good (BLEEP)ing (BLEEP) (BLEEP)! I'm gonna (BEEP) your (BLEEP) with a (BLEEP)!!" but instead she's all, "yes. I'm hurt." What?! That's not reality! We all know this is the kind of beat down she serves when her kid simply asks why Mommy's head looks like an ass...


* And do they ever say he's banging having relations with that girl? No. They use terms like "bad choices" and "misjudgement". C'mon, I'm not buying it! Bad choices is that hair cut.

* And unless I slipped into unconsciousness missed it, do they admit to actually filing DIVORCE papers or do they always refer to it as "filing legal documents"? Heck, maybe they're just filing for an extension on their taxes.

* Without this mega-boost in ratings, and let's face it - me and about a million other people would have NEVER watched the show had it not been for the fact that I couldn't reach the remote for the hyped-up drama, how would Kate continue to get lypo and boob jobs? Huh? Huh?

* Can you say Reunion Special? The way I figure it, they'll milk this separation thing for at least a season, then drop the whole 'will they? won't they?' for the next season which will end in a two-hour season finale where they realize they can't live without each other. *GAG* Then they'll parlay it into some big Jon and Kate Renew Their Vows *Gag Gag* special.

So that's my take on the whole issue that really has no relevance in any of our lives.

Course, I could be wrong.

(note: I still love you even if you admit to loving this show! Hi Lori!)

Google Search Term Awards

I always get a laugh over the search terms that unsuspecting (and often perverted) folks google that land them right here on my little bloggy-poo. Really, it's one thing to google, but another thing to actually click on a result, that really has nothing to do with your search. Sometime Google is just a crackhead.
So welcome to the first annual BHB Google Search Term Awards.

First, in the category of Longest search term: Immediately you received the payment get back to me so that i can send to you the shipper info to reimburse the balance to them today.So get back to me asap.. which of course brought them to my lengthy but amusing retelling of a scammer getting scammed. I love it when asshats get what they deserve!

For most common search term we have a tie between "sexylegs" (yes, one word!) and "pictures of wounds". I don't know what to say, but, why? Who's looking up these terms and WHY do they actually click on my page? Scary. A few pervs out there googled "nothing but sexy legs" and google sent 'em my way! HA! SUCKA! oh, wait, crap I just gave them one more hit for sexylegs and pictures of wounds!!!!
*Third place goes to the search term "weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" (yes, that's with 19 'e"s). Again, what the hell are they looking for? But I must admit, I'm just a wee (with 2 "e"s) bit proud that google associates such a fun exclamation to me! But before I get all giddy, another popular search term that brings people to my little corner of the blogosphere is "boooooooooo". sigh.*

Now for a few "What The Hell Does That Have To Do With Me?" awards
1958 general electric freezer value huh? I don't recall every mentioning any thing like that? Oh, but the answer would be: NOTHING! Throw it out already!
"kid sipped champagne" What?! Huh?! It was sparkling cider, I SWEAR!
"report about a house was stolen" actually I get a lot of hits from variations of this term. Apparently it's an issue somewhere. I don't remember it an issue with me however.


Top searches related to Bev... on not:
bev kyrgyzstan
bev back (kinda like Sexy Back, eh?)
is bev back?
Bev's one popular chick! Thanks for the traffic!


The winner (err, loser) for "You should probably turn yourself in" award would go to the perv surfer who happened upon my little blog by searching for "movies where kids are being patted". Ewwwwwww....

"SEXY" search terms:
Besides "sexylegs"... and of course the occasional "sexy legs", here are some award winners that wanted a bunch of sexy... but got me instead.
"Sexy legs from home" - I have no idea...
"Sexy leg" - I can't believe they weren't sent to Heather Mills site.
"Sexyleggs" - leave no stone unturned in the hunt for hot legs.
"Sexy medical terminology" - really? Is there such a thing?
"Sexy Clot" - ugh, I think I just threw up a little.

Here are the recipients for the "Right Church, Wrong Pew" awards:
Mala mama - Ugh, hope my kids don't start calling me that!
mala humiliation blogspot - WHAT?!! Really? I never thought of it that way... but now that you mention it.
Mala needs - hey! That means there's another Mala out there, somewhere, playing that same cheestastic game!

The "Beck" awards go to:
beck bloodless blogspot - *cringe*
beck home get those - BACK OFF YODA! He's MINE!!!!
beck rugrats
Go beck yourself - Woo, hey now, that's not necessary.
princess beck - OK, Morgan, no more dressing Beck! You got a brother, not a sister. deal.
tally beck - I have no idea. hold on, I gotta google it.

And finally, the "this really bums me out that you googled this term and found me" award goes to:
obese humiliation in public forum - oh man... I think I liked sexyleg better!

Randomness? I can do randomness!

I've been tagged by Janiece, Mommy of 3 cuties, one being Beck's ol' pal (and ladies' man extraordinaire) Alihan.
Here's the deal, list these rules on your blog. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their name as well as a link to their blog Let them know they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1. Growing up I wanted to be a jockey (oh great, too tall to be a jockey, too short to be a super model. Oh life is cruel!)

2. When I was a teen, I worked in a traveling carnival running games and driving trucks. By the time I went to college I had a very large bank account.

3. My entire family were extras in the movie "Last Days of Frank and Jesse James" with Johnny Cash


4. I planned our entire wedding (including honeymoon) for under $3,000

5. My parents named me after actress Mala Powers after deciding to pick a name by whatever name they see next on TV

6. I used to be a technical director for the nightly TV news.

7. I haven't been pulled over since I was a teen...oh wait. nevermind

OK, I tag Kate, Jackie, Michelle, The Bev, Marnie, Tina, and April.