Monday, October 5, 2009

Do I Know you?

I will readily admit that I do not possess the gene that makes it possible for me to recognize people. I'm talking people I've met a few times AND long time acquaintances; clients, old schoolmates...relatives. I may know I know you from somewhere, but 9 out of 10 times the ol' brain never comes up with how, or who.

...and names? Ha! forgetaboutit!

... and if I see you out of context... yeah, I'm screwed.

I chalk it up to the ol' stroke. It's a good enough reason for me.

Joe, on the other hand, never forgets a face. We were once at a crowded event when he pointed a lady out of the sea of faces and announced, "hey, that was our waitress when we went to XYZ Restaurant."

To which I replied, "We went to XYZ Restaurant?"

Yeah, it sucks.

A few months ago while out shopping, I had a lady come up to me and said, "Hi Mala". I'm sure I hit her with my deer-in-headlights look before I snapped out of it and pretended I knew her. We exchanged casual conversation while my mind raced, internally screaming "WHO THE HELL IS SHE!!?". She looked so dang familiar! Damn it!!!! Inside my head, Bubbles, my little mind assistant, frantically riffled through draws and files... finding nothing but my massive ball of rubber bands and 3 months of Tupperware from lunch. DAMN!
Then the kindly lady said she'd see me tomorrow and walked away. WHAT?! Bubbles is so fired!
Sadly, it wasn't until the next day when I dropped Beck off at school, and was greeted by the school's owner, that the precious file was found.

Yes, I'm that bad.

But once, my acute nomenclature amnesia (ANA) proved to be quite comical. Joe and I were in a store when we ran into my friend's jerk of an ex. I had known him many years and found him nothing more than annoying. But he liked to try to make my friend jealous by teasing her with notions of asking me out - thinking I'd have any interest!. Jerkus. So I introduced my husband to Chad, Chad to my husband, exchanged a quick "what have you been up to, Chad?", and parted ways. About 20 minutes later, it hit me like a baseball bat to the forehead!
"Clay!" I shouted.
"What?" Joe asked.
"His name is Clay." I laughed uncontrollably. "He never corrected me. He just let me call him Chad through the whole conversation."
My friend also got a chuckle from the little kick to his ego.

So last Friday night I was presenting a wine tasting when a two guests arrived and greeted me warmly, by my name and all. "Oh damn", I thought. "I have not a clue who they are." They both look familiar, and they both give off warm and fuzzy vibes, so I played along, keeping the conversation casual, always steering it back towards wine.

They asked how my aunt was doing and did she ever buy a new horse. DAMN IT! Where the hell is that file?! I must know them. They were armed with all sorts of specific and personal info; and me, with just a vague notion I've seen them before. I kept the charade up for two whole hours, all the while panicking and cursing myself. Once everyone had left, I asked the host who my two best friends were. She looked at me funny, as if I were kidding. "One is M, she's your neighbor, you go to her for massages...." A-ha! "the other is J, she's came to my last wine tasting and you also went to her for a massage. I bought you the gift certificate."

I sheepishly laughed, "Oh yeah. Guess I don't remember people I remove my clothes for...ha" .


I suck.

Joe says it's because I don't try to remember peoples' names. I say it's because my head is so jam-packed with trivial crap that I just don't have the file space.
And there's no way I'm tossing out every line from Office Space just to make room for something so boring as names.

Or maybe it's my extremely short attention span...

...hey, I got my hair done today. I decided to really go for something different...

So I picked RED. I normally avaoid red at all costs, but today I was feeling a bit sassy and embraced the red locks.

Anyway, what was I talking about?

...wait, who are you?


JennyMac said...

Your hair looks fab fab FAB!!!

and your story cracked me up. I am the total opposite in that I remember things..forever. Like my 4th grade boyfriends phone number. Not kidding.

Nancy said...

I hate to tell you Mala, but it gets worse as you get older. Frank calls himself Stroke Boy, blaming it on his stroke. I call myself Malaria girl, blaming it on the brain cells that were destroyed when my fever was 105 from malaria.

Samsmama said...

Stroke Boy and Malaria Girl...they should fight crime.

I had some lady come up to me at the pool and greet me by name. We've both got wet hair, sun glasses on, I had no clue. Hit me a few hours later it was my OB/GYN. Guess I don't remember people I take my clothes off for, either. And this is a woman who has routinely felt me up and smeared my pap. Color me a whore.

The hair is HOT!!! Hot Ta-Mala, I say!

MtnMama said...

I'm terrible with names, but I remember faces, and sometimes details. I've learned to just warmly say "How ARE you?" and smile. Ask questions, etc.

And request that the next gathering require nametags.

Bev said...

Hilarious post, Malomatic! I'm honored that you remember me after the ol' Stroke.

The hair is FAB! Thanks for completing the trifecta - you, me, and Laurie are now a boxed fox set. Ha ha.

onebadmamajama said...

Hot TaMala, indeed! Love the hair!

Frank Irwin said...

I'm the same way with names, and I try to make an attempt to remember them. I would often show up at work, after a 2-week vacation, and forget the names of the people I didn't work with on a day-to-day basis.

And I haven't had a stroke to blame it on. At least not a stroke that I remember. It seems that Nancy remembers, though.

My mental assistant, Ferdinand, refuses to go through my drawers until after laundry day.

Nice hair!

Organic Meatbag said...

You look like a superstahhhhh!

Mala said...

Jenny Mac - boys' phone numbers!.. well that I remember. Just not their names.

Nancy - worse!!! WORSE!!!! Greeeaaatttttt. I better start writing my name in all my undies now.

Samsmama - "Stroke Boy and Malaria Girl...they should fight crime." OMG that made me laugh. And now I'll always picture Nancy and Frank in spandex and capes!
And really, your doc should have been required to wear her white coat and name tag. Seriously, how can we regognize them if they act like normal people!!!
And thank goodness I have you as a sista in our tendency to forget those we strip for.

MtnMama - I totally agree. Name tags for everyone! Oh wait, we just justified Frank staring at our chests...

Bev - I totally remember you. Even when I call you Beck (repeatedly).
Did Laurie go Red????

OBMJ - Why, thank you. My daughter told me she thinks it looks horrible. I grounded her.
Oh the powers of parenthood! *evil laugh*

Poor Frank. When we feel you're *ready*, we'll tell you everything.. the time you won the lottery, that weekend with Heff, the sex change... You know, when you're ready.
Damn stroke.
...and Ferdinand is a wise man.

Mala said...

OM - stuffing fingers under my armpits... *sniff, sniff*

Mary said...

holy cow- first, you had a stroke (for realz)? If so, I am truly sorry...and I happen to agree completely- getting rid of useless stuff in my brain only to remember stupid things like people's names is an act in futility.

Remembering useless bits of random movie/tv trivia? important!

Remembering my next door neighbors are Jewish and so DON'T invite them over for BLTs? Not so much.

p.s. this is M-A-R-Y...I'm a bloggy friend :)

The Peach Tart said...

I love the red hair on you but being a redhead, I'm partial.

Bev said...

No, silly! We are now the trifecta - blonde, brunette, and red. Laurie and I were just discussing our desire to get a redheaded friend to complete our Man-Killah-Clique.

Tag - you're it!

Harmony said...

I am awful at remembering names too..but I do recognize faces, which makes things SO crazy! This post had me laughing out loud..thanks for the morning laugh.

Elliott said...

I remember useless things, and I can remember a face for anything, but I forget the names of people I work with daily. I run into people I know all the time, and context is key. I've run into people in FL that I knew or worked with in WI. Context is so key.

Lori said...

Totally digging the hair. AND...finding those "who are you?" files???? Overrated. I used to worry about that stuff. Now, I just try and claim it as one of my cute little quirks. AND I have no excuse other than I just can't freaking remember...and though I'm going to blame it on the pregnancy for now, I have nothing for the previous few years.

verif. word: in I too often rumma around my brain struggling to figure out who someone is...and then realize I don't really care that much.

Stuart said...

Mala - I once dated a girl for about three weeks. We went out for dinner one weekend and I had to call my sister on the sly:

"Hey Sis?"


"You know that girl I'm seeing?"


"What's her name?"

She was very special to me, that girl. Whatever the hell her name was.

Nice hair color! I mean you, Mala. It gets the Stu Seal of Approvalization.

And SM ... dear god, this is why I heart you.

janiece said...

Now just a damn minute--how did you turn into me and Ted turn into Joe? This is my issue too--and I don't have a stroke to blame it on--just an overload of information. Except that doesn't work because Ted's full of alot more info. then me. What the heck is it with these men? I think they get it from memorizing tv sitcom lines--that remembering names, faces, etc is easier for them.
Love the hair.
Now--stop being me and go back to Mala!

Maria said...

I know you don't know/remember me, but I just wanted to share that we share the same hair color now -- tried it out just a few days ago myself and LOVE it. I think you might pull it off better -- if I could just remember who you are.

Word verification: didge, as in "Did'ge remember who I am yet?"

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer, Crazy Woman said...

Liking the red ... looking good!

Jackie said...

Oh, I so needed to laugh hysterically! And, I love the new color!!!

JennyMac said...

Hi again. I have something for you. Put on your party shoes and come to my Sunday Night Awards Show.

Mala said...

Mary - BLTs?! I LOVE BLTs!!!! When shall I come over?
Wait? You can't be Jewish AND enjoy a BLT? Dammmnnnnnnnnn.....

Peach Tart - I hear ya, Sista! *high five*

Bevers - Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh..... yeah. They say I'm sloooooow, eh?

Harmony - We'd make a great pair. I can just imagine a typical conversation...
H - What's that guy's name?
M - Who?
H - You know, that guy with the dark hair?
M - huh?
H - That guy, dark hair, buzz cut. Has that tattoo.
M - *crickets*
H - Damn it! You know buzz cut dark hair, tattoo, wearing that eye patch, walks with a limp.
M - ummmmmmm?
H - Gawd! what's his name?! He always had that smelly 3-legged dog with him. Remember, You two were married for a few years....
M - Hmmmmmmm. No idea. Wanna get a drink?
H - Oh, OK.

Lori - Pregnancy Brain is a well documented affliction. Go with it!

Stuart - I find just calling anybody in that sort of situation "honey" or "baby" or "sweet cheeks" will cover ya.
And thank you for the Stu Seal of Approvalization. Now I just need to find a proper place to stick it.

Janiece - Maybe they just remember all that stuff because we have their back with EVERYTHING ELSE!!!!!
And you're like Super Woman - NO WAY I could be like you! I get exhausted just imagining it!

Maria - So nice to meet you!!! WELCOME! WELCOME! And are there no shots on your blog of your new 'do?????? Hmmmm????

Confessions of a SUPER WOMAN - Thank you very much! MWAH!

Jackie - Thanks. I think I'm going for your hair color next...

JennyMac - What? REALLY?! MOI!!!! *frantically searching through closet for something that would pass for 'party shoes'... Do leopard print, fuzzy slippers count? ROAR!*

Cary said...

I'm still wondering why a horse would try to climb a ladder.

1000 lbs, eh? Better tell my MIL to stay off it.


Mala said...

Cary - Me too! Sometimes I think they're just evil and plot against us.
LOL about your MIL! D'oh!

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