Sunday, December 27, 2009

Overdue TMI

I promised a tale of TMI if my peeps donated to my Pie in the Face efforts to give the orphans in Kyrgyzstan a Christmas to remember. Actually I promised a little TMI if ya'll got me to the $300 mark. But you guys rock and put me to my goal of $500! For all you wonderful, big-hearted and sexy mofo's, this one's for you!

But in particular, this post is dedicated to Frank, not just because I'm sure he'll enjoy the confession-ridden, fleshy goodness of this post, but because he's awesome... and about 41 kids on the other side of the planet would certainly agree.

I've been really trying to search the archives in the ol' noggin for a good TMI story and it was much harder than I anticipated. Our dear friend Jenksy wows us with incredible adventures of TMI every Thursday (and oh how I count down the week days). He makes it look so easy and yet I was coming up empty handed. I was quite disappointed with myself, and at the same time a bit proud that I had no tales of vomiting on a date or peeing myself at a gas station (NTTAWWT). I started to think, "hey, maybe I'm far more classy than I give myself credit for! Why, I'm downright lady-like!".

And then I came across an old picture.

While in college in Fort Lauderdale, I worked and lived at a riding stable. It was awesome; 20 acres, 51 horses and a 2 1/2 bedroom house to myself. Granted, the house was kinda a piece of crap and I had to kick my former roommates out and living where you work really means you never get a day off (never mind ever calling in sick), but apart from that it was great. And I also got to move my horse down with me. Awesome.

Rent on the old crap shack was $400 a month, board for my horse was $100 a month and grain, vet and blacksmith was extra... and of course there was the expensive of college and books too. Oh yeah, and food, electricity, phone... blah, blah, blah.

Unfortunately my job at the riding stables paid $201 a week. Actually, it paid $250 a week but my boss took out $49 a week for taxes. Sadly, for two years he must have forgotten to pass along those with holdings to Uncle Sam because I have a big ol' blank spot in my work history with Social Security and by the end of my service at the farm, the IRS was all over my boss, who decided to solve his financial woes by hanging himself... but I digress.

So $201 a week. I worked 6 days a week, weekends were 12 hour work days, but they gave me the flexibility I needed for school. And I really did love the job and my co-workers.

But you don't have to be a mathematician to know I was po! Happy... but really, really po.

And then I learned about a little thing at a local bar called "Dressed To Kill" Fridays. It was simple, woman came dressed to kill, and lady with the most killer outfit, or whatever, went home with $500.

Lucky for me, my best friend in college always dressed like a hooker. Her daily outfits consisted of skin-tight pleather with no lack of skin exposed. But it worked for her as she started dating our Audio Engineering professor... and had a 4.0 GPA. But again, I digress.
So she took me shopping at a stripper clothing store (and in Ft. Lauderdale, there's plenty of both!). She helped me select an outfit fashioned primarily of vinyl, with matching boots, and I was in business. Oh wait, that sounds wrong. No, not that business.

So Friday came around and we melted into our plastic-y outfits (hey, it's Florida! Vinyl doesn't *breathe* well) and headed over to the local dive. We didn't really know what to expect. Would we be required to do a cat walk? Perform a talent (shut up!)? Or answer questions like 'how would we bring about world peace?'?
Nope. In fact we ordered a drink (the first and last drink I ever paid for at the dive) and played Buzztime interactive bar trivia for a few hours until the owner announced that the lady in the red vinyl shorts had won! CHA-CHING!!!!!! Easiest freakin' money EVER! two weeks worth of pay for hangin' with my homegirl and enjoy all the free drinks the bartender offered us. I collected my envelope of cash and went right home to peel off my sticky outfit to sleep.

And every Friday night I'd show up again, play trivia, a game or two of darts (after a few weeks I earned the name 'dart girl' - damn those guys would always be dropping their darts. I was always nice enough to pick them up) and enjoy free drinks. Around 11pm I'd go home with my $500 cash.

Easy money, baby!

What? You expected (more) sex? scandal?

Would you settle for a picture then?

You Made It Happen

I hope everyone had a fabulous and merry Christmas. There are hundreds and hundreds of children in Kyrgyzstan that are enjoying the wonders of the season because of your generosity. Please go visit this site to see the magic.

And this is where I'd post my own pictures from our Merry Christmas... if I hadn't dropped my camera and shattered it. And then it played a little payback at me by some how deleting every picture. Every. single. picture. Including every Christmas picture.

And a memorable video of Morgan flipping out when she opened her favorite gift.

Sigh. It was awesome.

Monday, December 21, 2009

I Do For You Baby

On occasion I indulge in a little, well, indulgence, by visiting my local nail salon, OK Nails. Yes, I know, they don't exactly set the bar too high with that name. But it's cheap and you don't need an appointment so it's all good.

And yes, this is the same nail salon that plied Bev and I with cheap pink wine and painted flowers on as many nails as they could before we slurrily protested (after all, they're only $4 more).

Over the years I've learned to just get a pedicure when asked, otherwise this is the ensuing conversation:

OK - What I do for you, baby?
Me - Manicure please.
OK - you want pedicure too?
Me - (it's middle of winter, even I don't see my toes, never mind anyone else). No thank you.
OK - Why you no want pedicure? (all the other nail techs now stop and stare).
Me - Ummmm, I just don't. But thanks.
OK - Ohhhhh, you no have a boyfriend, baby?
Me - What?
OK - Why you no have boyfriend?
Me - Ummmm, I...I'm married.. What does that have to do with...
OK - Ohhhh, you no have boyfriend. You have pedicure, you get boyfriend, baby.
Me - I'm not sure my husband would appreciate that.
OK - Ohhhhhh, you afraid.
Me - Of a pedicure?
OK - You get nice boyfriend.
Me - *sigh* fine. I'll take a pedicure. Where's my crappy pink wine?

This lady has obviously visited OK Nail's sister shop.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

To Stuart

I thought of you when I saw this... but in a good way.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Monday, December 14, 2009

T'was a Week Before Christmas...

Some people hang their stockings by the chimney with care...

Beck prefers hanging his undies on the door.

Next time he may want to take them off first...

or not.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

That's Going on the Blog

Here's a little sign I spotted today while sitting in the customer waiting area at my local Toyota dealership:

In case you can't read it:

Attention customers

Due to our poor water quality, we are unable to wash cars at this time. Currently, our water leaves spots and residue on the vehicles and at times, leaves the vehicles with a less than satisfactory appearance. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause for you and we are working diligently to correct this problem. We appreciate you patience and as always, thank you for your business!!!

Oh, and enjoy the coffee.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Memory Lane Monday

While riffling through the old file cabinet for a shipping envelope (which I never found, if you care) I came across an old copy of Pro Sound News magazine, a periodical for the recording industry.
In a former life I used to work in a Pro Audio Rep firm. It was an awesome gig. Among other things, our job was to make sure recording artists got their hot little hands on the products we represented. Some of my more memorable clients were Mike Score of Flock of Seagulls, who I always questioned where his accent went, Rob Van Winkle who I was always polite to and never laughed at... mostly., Emilio Estefan, who I mistakenly hung up on each and every time he'd call, but luckily he was close friends with my boss, and I was cute otherwise good at my job, so I wasn't fired we were good.
We also made sure our stuff was available for credit on album recordings. I clearly recall Carlos Santana calling in for some equipment on an album he was recording. I could hardly control my laughter! Santana!? Like he'll ever have another song on the radio! Yeah, Supernatural went on to sell 15 million copies, 9 Grammy awards, Album of the Year... blah, blah, blah. Did I mention I was cute?

Anyhoo, one of the perks of the job was traveling to Los Angeles to attend NAMM which is a huge industry convention where all the music artists, producers, engineers, ect could come out and play with all the newest equipment. My duties at NAMM were to be there, which I did...mostly. Beyond that I'd make sure our clients were happy and that I get certain industry people to come to particular events. Oh, you may remember that I'm missing that gene that allows me to recognize people , well it's made even more fun when I'm supposed to recognize people I've never met. Luckily Slash and Ace Frehley were easy to spot. But it took me half a dinner with Eric Burdon before I had a clue who he was. Luckily he was a good sport about it, after all I was only 22.

So one of my other duties at NAMM was to show up for photo ops. And show up I did...but just barely.

Here's a page out of that Pro Sound News. I had no idea this little photo shoot was going to end up in full color in a national magazine. MmmBop! there I am right there under the picture of that little girl from Hanson.

What? It's not like I look like I may have spent the entire night out in LA and only returned to my hotel that morning to grab my nifty little name badge, does it? I think this is the day I took a little nap under the desk at the Mackie booth. What? Totally respectable people have found themselves needing to catch a few Zzzz's under a desk now and then! Right Bev?

Good times indeed.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Go Elf Yourself '09

Happy 300th post!

Pie Oh My!

You know I love ya'll when I post the most unflattering video ever. That's right, this is what you get on a Sunday morning after a lively evening with several bottles of wine friends, sans make-up and my hair totally un-did. But hey, I'm about to get a pie or two in the face so why bother getting dolled up, right?

Admittedly, the kids took it easy on me because I threatened them with eternal ground-ation they love me. Joe stopped the taping though just before I got Beck pretty good.
Oh and I didn't give him a bloody nose, the kids decided they wanted to be Rodolph this morning. Nice.
Thank you again to everyone who donated to make Christmas possible for 100 kids in Kyrgyzstan. All together 2129 orphans will get to celebrate a day they won't forget. You guys are awesome!!!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

High Highs, Low Lows & everything In Between

I'll start with the highs...

I want to thank everyone who donated to bring Christmas to some very special orphans in Kyrgyzstan. When John first put out the challenge to raise $500 I knew it was a BIG goal. Even with the promise of taking a pie to the face if I reached the $500 mark, I knew it was a lot to ask. So I felt fairly safe from suffering from the pie.
But you guys really stepped up to the plate and the donations came in. You have no idea how thrilled I was to see my tally at $75 on my first day. $75!!! That's 15 kids getting a day they'll never forget.
And you guys didn't stop there!
By the last day of the challenge, Thanksgiving night, I was jumping for joy to see my total was $275! I never imagined we'd make Christmas possible for FIFTY-FIVE children!
With a few hours left in the challenge I put the word out on Facebook. I said if we could get to the $300 mark, I'd share a TMI story with y'all. Samsmama, donning her Superwoman cape, made ANOTHER donation and passed along the challenge to her FB peeps.
When I went to bed my total donations were at $295. I was overwhelmed by the amazing generosity of my bloggy and FB friends. It was an amazing feeling to enjoy as I drifted off to sleep.

Oh course, it may have also had something to do with feeling safe from flying pies and sharing embarrassing tales.

Anyhoo, the next morning I checked my final total so see whether or not I made it to the tell-all $300 mark.
I was shocked when I saw my final total..... $500!!!!!!!!!!

$500!!!!!!! That's ONE HUNDRED orphans' lives touched!!!!! ONE-HUNDRED CHILDREN who will enjoy a special day because of the YOUR generosity!!!!

I'm still in awe. I'm still overwhelmed. I'm still so full of gratitude for your generosity. You guys are awesome. I can not thank you enough.

So I'm working on my Tale of TMI plus recruiting someone old enough to hold a video camera so that I can do this pie thing in one take, mkay.

And unfortunately the lows...
Please keep Lori and her husband John in your hearts and prayers. I'm sure you all know Lori, she's the cute little perky commenter from Lori Does MD. They had to say goodbye to their beautiful little boy John Matthew just 8 hours after he was born. I still feel so shocked and heartbroken for them. It has taken me a week to even write this post. Matthew is beautiful and so very loved and his short little life has made such an impact on so many.

Tiny Angels

Tiny Angels rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear....
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long....
Why is it, you couldn't stay?
Tiny Angel shook his head,
"These things I do not know....
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so".

Author Unknown