Sunday, December 27, 2009

Overdue TMI

I promised a tale of TMI if my peeps donated to my Pie in the Face efforts to give the orphans in Kyrgyzstan a Christmas to remember. Actually I promised a little TMI if ya'll got me to the $300 mark. But you guys rock and put me to my goal of $500! For all you wonderful, big-hearted and sexy mofo's, this one's for you!

But in particular, this post is dedicated to Frank, not just because I'm sure he'll enjoy the confession-ridden, fleshy goodness of this post, but because he's awesome... and about 41 kids on the other side of the planet would certainly agree.

I've been really trying to search the archives in the ol' noggin for a good TMI story and it was much harder than I anticipated. Our dear friend Jenksy wows us with incredible adventures of TMI every Thursday (and oh how I count down the week days). He makes it look so easy and yet I was coming up empty handed. I was quite disappointed with myself, and at the same time a bit proud that I had no tales of vomiting on a date or peeing myself at a gas station (NTTAWWT). I started to think, "hey, maybe I'm far more classy than I give myself credit for! Why, I'm downright lady-like!".

And then I came across an old picture.

While in college in Fort Lauderdale, I worked and lived at a riding stable. It was awesome; 20 acres, 51 horses and a 2 1/2 bedroom house to myself. Granted, the house was kinda a piece of crap and I had to kick my former roommates out and living where you work really means you never get a day off (never mind ever calling in sick), but apart from that it was great. And I also got to move my horse down with me. Awesome.

Rent on the old crap shack was $400 a month, board for my horse was $100 a month and grain, vet and blacksmith was extra... and of course there was the expensive of college and books too. Oh yeah, and food, electricity, phone... blah, blah, blah.

Unfortunately my job at the riding stables paid $201 a week. Actually, it paid $250 a week but my boss took out $49 a week for taxes. Sadly, for two years he must have forgotten to pass along those with holdings to Uncle Sam because I have a big ol' blank spot in my work history with Social Security and by the end of my service at the farm, the IRS was all over my boss, who decided to solve his financial woes by hanging himself... but I digress.

So $201 a week. I worked 6 days a week, weekends were 12 hour work days, but they gave me the flexibility I needed for school. And I really did love the job and my co-workers.

But you don't have to be a mathematician to know I was po! Happy... but really, really po.

And then I learned about a little thing at a local bar called "Dressed To Kill" Fridays. It was simple, woman came dressed to kill, and lady with the most killer outfit, or whatever, went home with $500.

Lucky for me, my best friend in college always dressed like a hooker. Her daily outfits consisted of skin-tight pleather with no lack of skin exposed. But it worked for her as she started dating our Audio Engineering professor... and had a 4.0 GPA. But again, I digress.
So she took me shopping at a stripper clothing store (and in Ft. Lauderdale, there's plenty of both!). She helped me select an outfit fashioned primarily of vinyl, with matching boots, and I was in business. Oh wait, that sounds wrong. No, not that business.

So Friday came around and we melted into our plastic-y outfits (hey, it's Florida! Vinyl doesn't *breathe* well) and headed over to the local dive. We didn't really know what to expect. Would we be required to do a cat walk? Perform a talent (shut up!)? Or answer questions like 'how would we bring about world peace?'?
Nope. In fact we ordered a drink (the first and last drink I ever paid for at the dive) and played Buzztime interactive bar trivia for a few hours until the owner announced that the lady in the red vinyl shorts had won! CHA-CHING!!!!!! Easiest freakin' money EVER! two weeks worth of pay for hangin' with my homegirl and enjoy all the free drinks the bartender offered us. I collected my envelope of cash and went right home to peel off my sticky outfit to sleep.

And every Friday night I'd show up again, play trivia, a game or two of darts (after a few weeks I earned the name 'dart girl' - damn those guys would always be dropping their darts. I was always nice enough to pick them up) and enjoy free drinks. Around 11pm I'd go home with my $500 cash.

Easy money, baby!

What? You expected (more) sex? scandal?

Would you settle for a picture then?


36 comments:

Coffeypot said...

So you dressed like a hooker and got paid for showing off your body like a hooker, yet you went home alone. Great job and lucky for you that you found a bar full of stupid men.

Frank Irwin said...

YOWZA!

That post (and PIC) was definitely worth the wait!

Glad that I could help out with the kids, too.

Samsmama said...

Ho-ly shit! And that is why I call you Hot TaMala! Ya know, I really wished I'd have dressed like a whore and taken pictures of myself back when I had a bangin' body. Damn.

Entirely too many things made me chuckle during this post. Sadly, one of them was the mention of your boss hanging himself. Just made my reservation in hell.

And hold up! Are you trying to say that Frank dontated enough to cover 105 kids?!?! Because that is math I can't even do right now.

Frank Irwin said...

No, I did not donate enough for 105 kiddos. I just made sure that we'd get to see Mala eating pie.

Sadly, I had thought that was a euphemism.

Brian Miller said...

you know, i bet that was worth it for those kids though...smiles.

Lee said...

You paid $400/month for that crap-shack?!? If I had only known that you were paying to potentially get bitten by poisonous spiders or losing your life during a thunderstorm due to the paper mache house crumbling... ah, those were the days!

Bev said...

WOOOHOO! Lookin' good, Malomatic!

Ah, the good ol' days, when wearing pleather and vinyl could actually net us more than sidelong stares and raised eyebrows.... :)

Lori said...

Best laugh in.a.loooong.time.

So needed that!

PorkStar said...

LMFAO....

OMFG!!!!!!!!!!! damn Mala!

MtnMama said...

I bow down to your red shorts! In my entire checkered past I do not have an equivalent outfit! You rock, sista! Way to give up the goods! :)
And Coffeypot cracks me UP with "lucky for you that you found a bar full of stupid men" - as if that wasn't an oxymoron-ish phrase of the highest degree! I'm pretty sure that most smart men's IQ drops by double digits when passing through the entryway into a bar - especially one that hosts any kind of "Night" like that. But maybe my experiences have been unique?

Harmony said...

Yowza..indeed! Great story..loved every bit of it. Save me the seat next to you in hell, Samsmama, because my evil ass chuckled at the hanging too...yikes!

Hooray for the orphans in Kyrgyzstan having a great Christmas! Wow Frank ...you rock!!!

PorkStar said...

Me again... so i was looking at the pic (again, ahem, sorry) and... are you sure that pic wasn't taken recently? I mean.. aside from the crappy quality (no pun intended to the very talented photographer) but, you still look the same, dear. I can attest to that too because I saw you twice when you where in NYC.

And damn!


: )

Alice in Thunderland said...

Super hot brunette you are... very nice!

I know all about the pleather shorts on hot weather, sadly no winnings overhere.

Hot pic!

Mala said...

Coffey - yes I always went home alone. I'm a good girl, when will you people understand that! haha. Actually Joe met me at that bar one night and I STILL went home alone. OK I'm kinda bitter on that one. Hmmm, that's a blog post itself.

Frank - Whew! Glad you think so!

Samsmama - damn! No photos? Oh well, that's what photoshop is for. Not that you need it.
And about your ressie... oh maybe we'll get suites near each other!

Frank - You're my hero... don't be coy. And sorry that it was actually a REAL pie.

Brian - Welcome! And yes. It doesn't take much for me to openly humiliate myself, but this cause was near and dear.

Lee - HA! Paper mache!!! Yes, that's pretty accurate. The life threatening bugs and the occasional gator was free of charge.

Bev - HA! C'mon, I think I still got this outfit somewhere. Let's go see what it gets us these days. My guess is a ride to the Funny Farm.
(Actually the boots met their end in a bizare male stripper incident... but again, I digress)

Lori - I'm here all week. Oh who am I kidding. I'm not goin' nowhere.

And the thought of you laughing makes me very happy!

Porky - Stop laughing!

MtnMama - I totally agree. ESPECIALLY at that bar! Did I mention it was attached to a bowling alley? No? Do you still love me?

Harmony - Let's look into getting adjoining suites, yes? OMG this is going to be fun!

Porky - Why, hello again... and bless your heart!

Alice - WOWZA! Super hot blonde! And I don't even play for that team (NTTAWWT!). Has anyone told you you look like Bridget Fonda (Circa Pulp Fiction)? Thanks for stopping in!

janiece said...

Mala the more I read the more I wish I had known you way back when--that would have been a blast! My own stories are very boring in comparison!

Mala said...

Janiece - What makes you think I've changed at all?... well, except that I've eliminated vinyl from my wardrobe. mostly.

Brooklyn ML said...

You got me sayin' DAAAAAMMMMNNNN GIRL, you're so fine!

Bev said...

Janiece - Trust me, she hasn't changed at all!!!

And Brooklyn, isn't it kind of sad that while Mala was in her vinyl shorts/hooker phase we were solidly in our Birkenstock and prairie shirt phase? Shoot, man, I covered up my hot bod far too much in my misspent youth!

onebadmamajama said...

WOW! That was a great story and pic! Kinda like Smama..if I had known how truly awesome I looked way back in the day, I'd have lots and lots of pics. Unfortunately, youth is wasted on young. I love that you won every stinkin' Friday! lol

SEO Company said...

ALL my 3 babies were overdue!!! one 5 days, one 4 days, and one almost 2 weeks! I had to be induced with my last baby, because of the complications that could happen if he too late. (Mechonium, placenta not working) I hated being induced compared to the other 2 coming on their own!

SEO Services said...

That's the fastest way to ruin an engine. More friction in the engine wears it down faster. If you don't do anything else - oil/filter changes every 5000 miles should be done to protect the engine. Oil loses it's viscosity and doesn't function when it's overused.

Jackie said...

GREAT post...I very much needed a good laugh today!!! You look fab in vinyl ;)

Frank Irwin said...

As SEO Services said, Mala, you have to be careful of too much friction when you wear shorts like that, or you'll ruin your engine. Be sure to use plenty of lube!

Mala said...

Brooklyn - right back at ya, hottie!

Bev - what? You weren't letting your freak flag fly in hookah clothes up in the northern kingdom?

OBMJ- I say it's never too late. Who's up for a shopping spree at Pole Dancers R Us???

SEO - Did you just show up on my blog and say "Mechonium and placenta". Ewwwwww.....

Jackie - I hope you know that I'm counting on you to take over for me in Ft Lauderdale...

Franky - Do you know what kind of squicky noises vinyl makes when you... errrr, experience friction... oh wait, of course you do.

Samsmama said...

I just realized that SEO stopped by my place, as well. Only sort of undercover. Sneaky bastart. Or bitch, as the case may be.

calicobebop said...

Hot Damn - I could never have pulled that off. I bow to your superior finance skillz!

Happy New Year!

Mala said...

Yeah Samsmama I sent him...er, I mean her....well, it, over to your place. It didn't feel right with just Bev and I enjoying all the bot-fun.

Calico - well, you know what they say, "drastic times call for drastic.... vinyl".

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Asthma Treatment said...

so im 40 weeks 6 days and i have terrible indigestion and i swear to god took 2 of the hugest BM's of my life, not runny but wow.... please tell me these are signs of labor!!

JennyMac said...

Smoking hot Mama! And I think SEO saw those saucy red shorts and friction came to mind. lol.

Mala said...

Doug - Doug? We've lost Doug!

Asshole Treatment - I suppose you know SEO? Yes.

JennyMac - Ha! Thanks Jenny.

Asthma Treatment said...

All of the other questions that I found that were similar to what I want to know weren't very informal and most of them weren't dealing with pregnancy discharge or didn't even apply.

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Frank Irwin said...

Not in your case, Dottie.

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