Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Room To Breathe

Monday, Joe announced only hours before Morgan's dance class that he moved Morgan's dance shoes (TWO WEEKS AGO!!!)"because they needed to be put away", however he doesn't recall where exactly he put them... obviously not "away", but rather far, far away. We searched the house high and low and there's no sign of her dance shoes.

Oh, and did I mention her teacher is Hitler of the Dance? Yeah, there's no way we're showing up to dance without the proper dance shoes. I believe you get shot on sight for that.

So since Joe and his squirrelly ways got "us" into this situation, I suggested he get "us" out of it.

He spent the next 5 Minutes thinking through the situation and the best way to remedy his obvious blunder. He finally concocted the best plan to fix everything... he asked me to take care of it. Not the course of action I was hoping for, but time was ticking and let's face it, if I left it up to him he'd send her to ballet in SpongeBob slippers.
So I spent the afternoon calling around, trying to find the exact shoes required for class. A fifty mile road trip and $80 later I produced the required shoes, no help from the hubster of course.

Fast forward less than 24 hours later. I wake up to the sound of the school bus pausing momentarily at the end of our drive and then continuing on. I look at the clock; 7:18am! It seems as though the prospect of the alarm clock annoyingly waking up my husband bothered him so much that he turned it off before the little bugger had the chance to interrupt sleep.
I rush to get both kids up, fed, lunches packed and each off to their schools. Since Morgan missed most of last week due to our little visit from the Swinethrax Fairy, I felt it was imperative to get her to school on time. I ask Joe if he'd bring Morgan and I'd get Beck. His reply as he calmly enjoyed his breakfast, "I don't know where her school is." and simply continued watching Fox and Friends.

WHAT!?! It's three freakin' miles from our house!!!! Are you kidding me?!!!

Again, like the shoes, I knew if I forced the issue he'd prove he was correct in his incompetence. So to save our daughter from repeating Second grade, I tossed both kids in the car and managed to get them both to their schools on time.

Seriously, I just wonder what little gem of shit will get thrown my way tomorrow. I'm the super hero of others' craptastic blunders!

Here's a video that I'll be playing for Joe while ordering a load of concrete is creepy... hey. it's Halloween.

Plus I love me some Art Alexakis!


MtnMama said...

Oh, Mala! That was spooooky! The cork was such a nice touch... yes, definitely have your husband watch this! hahahahaha

Frank Irwin said...

He watches Fox and Friends? That's grounds for divorce, right there!

Cool video.

Bev said...

Dude, that guy gets away with far too much! Today at work I shall somehow subtly sabotage him. Perhaps jam up the copy machine or place cobwebs in his office or something else that drives him nutty.

Can't watch the video right now because it's too darn long and my attn span won't allow it before the sun comes up. :) Be back later!


The Peach Tart said...

He'd have to go or get a major attitude adjustment

Nancy said...

Must control fist of death. Frank has also started watching Fox and Friends. It scares me. Did you ever find your saddle fitting kit?

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I had something similar happen this morning. My wife is frantically looking for her plaid shoes. Not the plaid shoes that I picked up and put away and that were magically in the middle of the hallway, but her OTHER plaid shoes, the ones that look just like these plaid shoes, but different.

I had to refrain all morning from even thinking "if you just put the fuckers away in the closet instead of just tossing them wherever, you wouldn't be having this problem EVERY. SINGLE. DAY."

Now, I'm at work and can vent.

Mala said...

MtnMama - I still love Art even as a creepy, middle aged psycho. Mmmmmmmmmmm......

Frank - I'm pretty sure he just watches it for a chance glimpse up the blonde dujour's skirt. I mean, that is why they always sit her in the middle, straight on to the camera, right?

Bev - YES!!! Sabotage him with cobwebs!!!! PERFECT!
Oh and at that time of day, I don't even possess consciousness! Nevermind attention!

Peachtart - Despite all my griping, he does redeem himself in other ways, so I'll keep him (for now). He's just not great at solving time sensitive problems. Did I tell you about the time he nearly stranded me in Kazakhstan because "he didn't know where Kinkos was" to fax me papers to bust me out of that shit hole? He's lucky I was half a globe away!

Nancy - No! Joe still has no recollection of where he put my $400 MASSIVE saddle fitting kit! I'm guessing it's right next to Morgan's dance shoes.

Mala said...

Jenksy - I don't have that problem, I have 2 pairs of shoes; my barn shoes and my good shoes (which Bev is always trying to get me to throw away).
Mind you, my husband doesn't just pick up things that are left out. He goes hunting, digging, for things to move. OCD, anyone? He packed away all the centerpieces for our wedding (you know, the ones I had spent 2 weeks making!) the morning of our wedding and then couldn't remember where he put them! I should have known then....

Samsmama said...

$80 for dance shoes? I don't know that all of my shoes combined cost that much! Because I'm a total fashionista like that.

LOVE the labels on this post!

Mala said...

Samsmama - I'm totally with you! $80 would keep me in shoes for the rest of my life. What? I'm thrifty.

calicobebop said...

I feel your pain with the dance shoes - Muffin grew through THREE sizes last year!! That's a lot of money to spend on the proper tap and ballet shoes!

You should pull an old school prank and put salt in his coffee. Maybe that will wake him up. :)

Trooper Thorn said...

What kind of shoes did Hitler dance in? And why doens't the INS know he's in America teaching children routines and intolerance?

Harmony said...

Holy shit we're married to the same man!

My sister had her baby Monday, so I had to have my husband pick up Ryder from Preschool. He said "they don't know who I am" Who's fault is that? Plus much, much more!

The title to this post? Perfection.

Mala said...

Calico - Now that's just not allowed around here! 3 sizes in one year! My kids are allowed to grow one size per year, after that I break out the feet binding.

Trooper - "What kind of shoes did Hitler dance in?" hee hee, that sounds like a top Goggle search term!

Harmony - Now did he try to squirm out of picking up your son due to the fact the teacher's wouldn't know him???? That's how Joe would roll. Oh and he didn't pick up Beck for the longest time because he also didn't know where his school was, despite the fact he drives by it ALL.THE.TIME.
We should start a support group.

Mala said...

Oh and Trooper - that search term now leads all inquiring minds directly here... We rock.

Mala said...

Oh and Trooper - that search term now leads all inquiring minds directly here... We rock.

onebadmamajama said...

The retraining will be extensive and intensive but you should start it ASAP. That kind of I don't know, I can't bullshit would drive Mother Teresa batshit crazy! For the record, my BFF's hubby is like that. I think it's attached to the Y chromosome.

onebadmamajama said...

Holy Shit! That video is freakin' me out!

Harmony said...

Yes, that is exactly what he said. I knew there was no way in hell that I could get back in time, so I told him to deal with it. He ended up having to pick up Austin that day too. "I don't even know where to go" he said. He hasn't met a single teacher of Austin's. And when he was in daycare and I was working he never once picked Austin up OR met the daycare lady. Even on days when he wasn't working, I had to take him to daycare. Fraking NIGHTMARE! But I'm not bitter.

Support group, you say?

Lori said...

Yeah, can't watch your video if it even hints at scary. I hate scary.

Then again, scary is what I would be if John told me he didn't know where the school was...especially if it was 3 miles away. John would at least take the kids in the car and bribe them with something fabulous to find the school so he could *pretend* he knew where it was.

janiece said...

Oh, if Ted pulls that kind of crap on me--the curse will happen to him. No--not THAT curse. We took care of that last year. The curse of me loading the kids up on caffeine, sugar, and whatever else I can find--along with a few verbal suggestions--and I go--oh I don't know, shopping, a movie, a walk. Of course, the cell phone just won't work either. And when will I be back?? Whenever.
He pulled it just once.

Cary said...

So basically you have three kids, right? Because it sounds like he causes as much work as the other two.

I think you need a weekend away, and soon.

Mala said...

BLOGGER!!!! I've left comments here and now I see they're GONE!!! You bastard!
Now I can't remember what I wrote.

*two thumbs up to all the above posters. Trust that I wrote you each a loving and witty response*
Blogger, you bastard!

Cary, I think that's a swell idea. I just might do that.