Monday, November 2, 2009

Some People Are Just Askin' For It

Seemingly, the Blog Gods have taken notice of my bloggy malaise and lack of posting.



...Despite having a fabulous Halloween.






... and good times carving pumpkins.








...and sordid tales about this guy (OK, not really)




I just haven't been moved to mentally wrangle up a tale and work it out in a grammatically correct fashion.


blah.


So today, the Blog Gods got together and heaved a big, steaming pile of blog fodder right on my lap. And boy did it stink! Let me explain...

I'm naturally a chill person. I don't care for drama; I'm a live-and-let-live kinda gal. I pick my battles and I often bite my tongue to avoid conflict. I hate conflict. Seriously, it takes a lot to get my blood boiling, but once some asshat decides to take it there, oh it's on!

A few things you should know about me when I've been pushed out of my peace-lovin' love nest:


  • Like a pitbull I will go for the throat... and I do NOT let go. One of us is going down...it's not going to be me.


  • I get LOUD! Yes, if you're going to push me to be pissed off, EVERYONE will know it.


  • I don't believe in hitting below the belt or responding in a juvenile way... but I will.


  • I get the last word. Chances are you started it, it's only fair that I end it. Got it?

So I went to the chiropractor's office today with Beck. When we arrived, the waiting room was pretty full so Beck went straight to the corner that contains a basket of toys and I took a seat on the opposite side of the 10X10 room. Beck got busy playing nicely with the three other kids cramped in the corner. I watched them as the 4 kids stacked blocks and giggled amongst themselves... you know, how kids can naturally just start having fun with other kids. Good stuff.

Soon a man enters the waiting room and glares at everyone, spots the kids and "huffs". He sits with his back to the kids but constantly shoots nasty looks over his shoulder.

Mind you, I'm the first person to get annoyed by unruly children whose parents have better things to do than to mind their own offspring. Moreover, I'm pretty strict about how I expect my children to behave in public. I REFUSE to be one of those parents.

That being said, these four children were playing very well together. They stayed in their little corner, stacking blocks, occasionally *gasp* giggling.

The Cranky Old Bastard (COB) leans over and asks the guy next to him, "Who thought they could bring their kids."


I take a deep breath.


The doctor comes to the door and calls his next patient when COB says to him, "why don't you take the kids. They're out of control."

Oh GAME ON ASSHOLE!


Me: "Actually, those kids are behaving just fine."

COB : NO THEY'RE NOT! THEY"RE BEING ANIMALS!

Me : ANIMALS!? They're just kids, playing nicely.

COB : Well, this is a doctor's office!
Me: Yes, a Doctors office with a basket full of toys for the kids to play with while their waiting.

COB: I don't come here to listen to kids.

Me: I don't come here to deal with cranky, OLD, bitter men!

COB: Well they're being annoying

Me: Really? Because you're being annoying. They're kids. What's your excuse?

COB: (turning again to the other guy) Don't you think these kids are out of control?

Other Guy: Actually, they're playing just fine. They're well behaved. They're just kids.


Meanwhile the other parents are quickly ushering their kids out of the room, probably in fear that I was about to whoop this old fart's arse!


Then this other dude says to COB: "You're a very rude man, How dare you talk to this woman you don't even know. They're just kids! Get over yourself."


... and then he splits.


COB: Well I don't care, these kids are being too loud!

Me: No moron, they're not. they're no louder than the Muzak being piped into this room. (OK I didn't say Moron... but I was thinking it. No I wasn't. I was thinking much worse)

COB: Well that's your opinion.
Me: Yes, and apparently that of the rest of the room as well.

COB : Well I don't want to hear your opinion.

Me: (laughing) Well then you might have considered keeping your mouth closed and not sharing your opinion. But since you chose to run your mouth, then you're getting my opinion. It would be wise for you to shut up now...unless you want me to continue.

COB: (sensing I was batshit crazy and that the veins popping and pulsating on the side of my head and neck may indicate that I'm just getting started, COB averted his eyes in defeat, and mutters) unbelievable.


Me: Excuse me? What's unbelievable? The fact you are a grown man pissing and moaning about some kids playing and minding their own business or because someone won't put up with your garbage?

crickets...

c'mon! Do it! Breath another G-D word asshole! I'm just getting warmed up! I sat there, blood swishing in my ears, jaw clinched, shaking... just waiting for him to say another word, a cross-eyed look.... another "huff". He sat motionless, eyes on his shoes.... for the next 15 minutes.

Once in the doctor's office, the chiropractor apologized profusely. I recommend he give the bastard more than a spinal adjustment.

Some people just need their asses handed to them. Today I was more than happy to gift wrap!


28 comments:

Samsmama said...

Good for you! I don't know that I honestly have the guts. We were grabbing a bite to eat on Halloween when some maybe 14-15 year old punk (girl) was sitting there dropping f-bombs every other word, right in front of Sam. He didn't hear, but I was still pissed about it. I shot her a few looks and she and her friends stopped. She looked like the type who would start shit. Mentally I had my rant all worked out but was going to stall until Dave got out of the restroom. They ended up leaving. The bad ass got on her 10 speed and rode off.

Greatest comment ever? You're welcome. Let me know if you ever want me to guest post.

Mala said...

Oh you could have taken her Samsmama! Just put a stick through her spokes!

And I ALWAYS love your comments. I'll have my people call your people about some guest blogging.

Frank Irwin said...

Whew! I gotta remember to stay on Mala's good side!

The COB was probably in the chiro's office because his hips were on his shoulders.

Mala said...

Franky - You're ALWAYS on my good side... now a little to left...yeah that's the spot!

And I do believe you're right about COB.

Mala said...
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Kari said...

Oooh, you're a Betty Bad Ass...I love it! I think the most amazing comebacks, but I rarely have the balls to come out and say them. You are my hero, m'lady.

Mary said...

Ferris Bueller, you're my hero....

jennybean79 said...

Lately there is so much kidism *made up word alert*. I swear, my co-worker was just telling me how an old couple at a Big Boy (of all places) complained about her kids for talking. I just can't believe how intolerant people are of little ones these days. Good for you for standing up to that old fart, maybe he'll think twice before speaking out like that again.

Bev said...

OH MY GAWD. No he di'nt!

I can vouch for the fact that A. Mala's kids are extremely well-behaved, and B. it takes a huuuuuuuge asshole to piss her off enough to actually say something much less to get the blood swishing in her ears.

WOW. I'm proud of you! I haven't seen you break out in blotches and blow a blood vessel since the WNDS/Robin B. days!

You kick ass, lady!
xoxox

Harmony said...

*stands on chair* Oh captain, My captain.

COB had it coming to him. Kudos to you for putting him back in place. What is it with people who think the world is owed to them? Furthermore, how could that guy go on muttering about when clearly no one else agreed with him.

Lori said...

Seriously, I got riled up and ready to road trip just reading this! You're good...I would have caused such a commotion that I'd probably lose my cred--you know, tell the receptionist, "If you ever schedule me at the same time you have this out-of-touch, rude and inappropriate man scheduled again, I can't say that there will not be a smack-down of WWF (or is it WWE these days?) epic proportion. Just giving a heads-up."

Dude--mess with me and that's one thing. Mess with my (well-behaved and doing exactly what they should have been doing with the bucket of toys)kid and we'll have to take it outside. Or not--I'm scrappy in and outside of the parking lot.

Good for you for telling him off.

MtnMama said...

Oh, Brava, Mala! You are my HERO! I don't think I could have been as lucid, but definitely would have said something - I'm sure it would have ended in my being hauled out in handcuffs! You ROCK, and I am so, so impressed! What a steaming pile of dog shit that guy is.

calicobebop said...

Freaking Awesome. I never get to say exactly what I'm thinking - I'm usually too mad to think straight! Hats off for putting that geezer in his place!

Cary said...

Kick his ass, Sea Bass!

Good for you. Some people need a beat-down. What a buttstain.

janiece said...

Personally I would have told him to pull the corncob out of his ass! You are right, he needed more then just a spinal adjustment!
I think sometimes older people remember the world they lived in--when children were seen but not heard--sometimes not seen either. Well, guess what? A new day has dawned and children are all over and families are the big thing. For those of us that worked so hard to have a family--they are more important then some old ass' opinion. Good for you. I would have been right there chewing on his cranky ass--actually I did that to someone with Julia--but that's another story!
Umm the word verification today is throww--as in you go Mala--do a big throw down on cranky ass!

Frank Irwin said...

Did your kids say anything about it, later?

Mala said...

Kari - Don't hold it in!!!! Say it!!! Ahhhhhhh, sweet release!

Mary - You made me laugh out loud! Awesome!

Jennybean - Kidism! Officially a new word!
And your co-worker took her kid to a burger joint? THE NERVE!

Bev - Thanks for having my back! And bustin' on our lameass co-worker was admittedly way more fun. This guy never got to the "you're going to hell" stage of the fight.

Harmony - That was the best part. He could find no one to back him up. HA!!!!

Lori - Oh just wait for the first person to engage your "Mama Bear" response. They better watch out!!!!

MtnMama - Seriously, I looked like that muppet up there, staring at the side at him... just waiting to take one wrong breath. I can't say some physical violence wouldn't be in his near future if he had.
Oh, BTW, it was a full moon last night. That explains a lot.

CalicoBop - Seriously, my inner monologue was far more scathing. I was surprised how well the ol' filter worked..

Cary - Did you just call me a sea bass?!!! Oh it's on!
just kidding. "buttstain" made me giggle.

Janiece - I thought you'd enjoy that little story. Poor Beck just watched the whole thing. He's seen me take down snakes before!

Frank - Probably the best part of the story... and I'm an ass for leaving it out, but once the COB figured out it was in his best interest to STFU, the room was dead silent, most of the waiting room had gotten the hell outta Dodge. Then Beck, still sitting in the corner, said, "Mama?"
"Yes Dear" I replied in my most sugary, sweetest, LOUD voice.
"I love you!" Beck replies.
I laugh, "I love you too."
That's my boy!

Mala said...
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Trooper Thorn said...

Gosh. I wasn't anywhere neer the chiropractor's office and even I feel uncomfortable with that confrontation.

I'll have to check out the COB's blog to see what he had to say about it.

Maria said...

I'm guessing this wasn't meant to be a funny story -- but I'll admit it: I laughed out loud. I would have loved to have been the receptionist b/c you KNOW she was bug eyed and giggling!

onebadmamajama said...

You go, girl! You handled that very well. You should be very proud of yourself:) Probably the best action that COB has seen in a couple of decades LOL

Shea said...

Reminds me of the time I launched into a group of college freshman at a Thai restaurant (as found here: http://tapsalteerie.blog-city.com/hairy_white_ass.htm)... and yes people still talk about my hairy white ass :)

Coffeypot said...

Indeed, still waters run deep and, if you get below the surface, you will be violently swept off your feet. Me? I’m just going to stand on the bank and watch the show.

Thanks for commenting today. You need to be recognized more.

Mala said...

Trooper - I'd love to read COB blog... I think it's crankyoldbittershithead.blogspot.com

Maria - The receptionist seemed quite pleased that someone (finally) put him in his place. Apparently this wasn't the first time he's treated a room full of people like shit.

OBMJ - HA!!!!! You're probably right!!!!

Shea- OH! Heading over to your place to check out your post!!!!

Coffey - Yes, still waters run deep, and apparently very hot! I'm glad to update that I haven't gotten into an verbal showdowns since then.

Mala said...

Shea - your comments are disabled on your site but I just had to say that you have the cutest hairy white ass I have ever seen! I just want to grab it and squeeze it and plant a ton of kisses on it!

Mala said...
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wasim said...

nice blog keep it up...!
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