Thursday, January 14, 2010

People You Meet in Hell

OK, not really in Hell, but people you come across that make you feel like you're in Hell.

I'm currently at my son's gymnastics. He's off flipping and bouncing while I try to ignore the world around me and enjoy the pure bliss of not having the shit bugged out of me watch him proudly. Unfortunately, there's a group of parents standing 10 feet from me who are droning on and on about how their parenting skills are far superior than everyone else. Since I rather perform my own dental work than join in their hen house banter, the sound of their self-righteous voices tests my control to not yell out "shut the hell up, you windbag dolts!".
Right now, they're discussing how one of their fellow chatty-cathys, who happens to be absent today, allows their kids to watch too much TV, too much violence, too much sweets...blah, blah, blah. They've collectively decided they must all limit their children's contact with this parent's children. I hope they're also making mental note to never miss a class and therefore leaving themselves open to be the recipient of the others' disapproval and gossip.

Oh good, they've moved on to their incredibly high home values. Fabulous. Bunch of a-holes.

I don't know if I'm just pms'ing there's a cosmic malfunction, but I seem to be encountering all sorts of jerks/weirdos/annoying people lately.

The gym seems to be a mecca for dimwits. And I'm not even talking about the blockheads that spend their entire workout grunting and sweating on stuff. No, there's a woman there that bugs the hell out of me to the point that I sorta feel guilty about it. She's not disruptive in any way, but nonetheless makes me want to put a stick through the spokes of her exercise bike. She's there every.single.time I'm at the gym. She's there before I arrive, she's still there when I leave 10 minutes later. She rides the bike or the elliptical like Tiger after a slutty cocktail waitress. I mean, sparks flying off the thing... for hours on end. But the thing is, she's a skeleton. Seriously, I always shield the kids eyes while walking past her in fear that they'll have nightmares of skeletor on the treadmill. I know I do.

I guess I should feel sorry for her or something, but I don't. Seriously, stop already. Go eat a Big Mac, and supersize it! I actually have things I need to get done daily and therefore can't literally run my ass off at the gym six hours a day. I know I'm going straight to hell probably wrong for saying this, but beyond it probably being unhealthy, her efforts are wasted; she'd riding the hein-train... toot! toot! You just can't outrun ugly.

Oh, I am evil. Still love me?

And then there's the guy at the pool. Again, I swear he lives there. No matter what time we go to the pool - mornings, evenings, weekends - he's there. We call him Milton. And yes, he looks like this:

Now picture him in a bathing suit.


And stop gagging.

Milton is always by himself, spending his pool time blatantly staring at all the bathers through his 1 1/2 inch thick glasses. After watching a couple endure a good twenty minutes of his company in the hot tub, where he sat uncomfortably within their personal space, staring without a word, I've made it policy to skip all hot tub time in the presence of Milton. One of these days I'm going to risk certain death to my camera phone and try to bring it into the pool and sneak a picture of him. The things I'd do for you, my peeps.


So how you doin'?

22 comments:

Frank Irwin said...

Great pic of Skeletor on the elliptical machine!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Anorexia guy? Notre Dame fan. You can see the Joyce Athletic Center behind him. Actual photo taken on Notre Dame's actual campus.

Awesome.

Organic Meatbag said...

Oh yeah, I remember at my old apartment complex, there was this European couple that liked to get in the hot tub when I was in there...this is when i was bold enough to wear speedos (yes, it's true)...I think she liked to stare at my junk...or he did *shudder*....

jennybean79 said...

Oh my gosh, so funny! I can't wait to see Milton.

Bev said...

Best. post. EVER.

You know I'll be drivin' the sin wagon on our way to H-E-double hockey sticks, so I therefore have no problem saying:

1. those stuck-up bitches at gymnastics can bite me. I hate them already.

2. Skeletor's Sister clearly has some sort of exercise addiction/anorexia going on, which is kinda sad. But still annoying.

3. Milton scares me. He'll set the building on fire, you know.

Mala said...

Frank - Yes, I think I captured her true essence...

Jenks - I can't help but take note that I give up the goods and drop a picture of me wearing nothing but vinyl = not a peep from you. But slap up a picture of a morbidly obese dude and you're all over it. Hmmmmm? It makes me question my whole world.

OM - speedos, eh? I'd say you were asking for your junk to be admired.

calicobebop said...

EWW! Milton in a bathing suit. hork.

I hate those exercise addicts at the gym too - way to make my miserable attempts at bettering myself feel completely hopeless. Bitch. Maybe she'll cause so much friction she'll set it on fire? bwahh ha ha ha...

Lori said...

Oh how you crack me up....love it!

Cary said...

Pat Robertson. He'll be Hell's doorman.

"Welcome to Sheol. How may I assist you?"

wv: hesol

Pat thinks hesol that but he isn't.

Coffeypot said...

I would meet your son in front to the Chatty-Cathy’s and say, so they can hear, "Son, lets go get a double Cheese Whopper and large fries and Mountain Dew, take it home and watch all 53 versions of RAMBO. I don‘t want you hanging out with all these pussy boys."

Hilary Marquis said...

I'm so proud of you! You managed not to deck them! Now, about Milton...the thought of that man in a swimsuit is enough to give me nightmares. Let's not do that again.

onebadmamajama said...

I LOVE Coffepot's suggestion! I double dawg dare ya LOL

For what it's worth, my loser magnet seems to be turned up on high lately. Working overnights at HellMart seems to have fine tuned the signal or something. There is no shortage of weirdos (associates or customers) at HellMart at 2am. FML.

Mala said...

Jennybean - HA! That makes one of us.

Bevers - I call shotgun!!!!!

Calico - I think at some point she'll just crumble into a pile of bones.

Lori - you still love me, right? Right?

Cary - I think doorman would be too posh of a job for him. I think he deserves something FAR worse, even in hell. Maybe cleaning the hot tubs???

Coffey - Oh, I do. And of course, at the same time toss him a beer. What? he's been workin' out, he needs to rehydrate!

Hilary - Wha? You make me sound like I have a violent streak... oh, wait.

OBMJ - Loser magnet in HellMart? Do you get hazard pay for that?

BlackLOG said...

I'm a bit worried that the woman who is always there when you get to the gym and still there as you leave is in fact you in the mirror....Being new to the post I shall refrain from making comment on any weight issues, for all I know you might be the opposite of an anorexic and always see yourself as super thin.... I think Milton hangs out at my gym, either that or it's me in the mirror. How depressing would that be....

onebadmamajama said...

I'm pretty sure HellMart thinks it's a perk.

Mala said...

BlackLOG - Nah, I know it's not me. She's a high-speed, peddling fool, while I on the other hand like to take the slow (but short) scenic route. Hey, the idea of "it's the thought that counts" holds true at the gym as well, right? RIGHT!

OBMJ - Ha, leave it to them to include that in your 'benefits' package.

MtnMama said...

Oh Mala! I enjoyed this post!
I used to be a pretty serious gym rat, but I am far from Skelator, and I HATE both the guys who grunt and groan and drop weights AND the women who wear makeup and don't really work out because they are too busy "socializing". But I am way too judgy about other people, especially at the gym. I liked Coffey's idea, but I'd be more likely to say something like "let's go make bloody marys and watch Nip Tuck! Okay, snuggums?!" Because I like to make people spit their organic soy milk.

janiece said...

Oh Mala Mala Mala--don't you know the bitchy moms are gossiping about you as soon as your back is turned??? Gosh, don't you wish you could be that superior? I can only hope someday to be do perfect! I hate those bitches too.
And speaking of bitches--every single gym has someone that lives there. We've got at least 3 I can think of off-hand. I just want to hold them down and force feed them a cheeseburger. And don't get me started about the nasty naked women running around in the locker room with boobs down to there and other strange things that hang. Really COVER YOURSELF!!!
Milton just looks like a leach. Yuck

Kate said...

What I get really annoyed at is the girls that come to gym all decked out, full makeup & hair, wearing leggings with converse and hoop earrings, who sit on the machine you want and yak on their cell phones. Seriously? Really? OH - and the guys who grunt really loudly (looking around every so often to try and catch your glance). They are usually the ones wearing SUNGLASSES in the windowless gym. Did I mention I live in Vancouver, WA, nicknamed "Vantucky"? Yah.

Hilary Marquis said...

All I can picture is how Sergey ran and hid from you in SanDiego...the look on his face when Tim told him you were coming was priceless!

Confessions of a Mother, Lawyer & Crazy Woman said...

LMAO at all of it!

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