Thursday, April 22, 2010

Brazilians and Bobby D

Bev and I blew off all our adulty duties yesterday and headed to our favorite sweat shop nail salon for a little blog fodder pampering.
First we enjoyed relaxing pedicures. OK, I enjoyed a relaxing pedicure. Bev hurriedly did her homework for our writing class.

Why the rush? We had all of 5 hours before it was due.

The last time we visited this nail salon, they tortured us by forcing us to watch a Tyler Perry movie. And once it was over (Thank Gawd!), they started it over again. Of course, we could have just simply not watched it, but holy hell, they have 12 large LCD screens posted all over the joint. Besides, moving images on flat screens.... moths to a flame. Even if it's a total pile of suckage, Bev and I are watching it.

So we were not surprised to be entertained by yet another sucky, sappy film, Dear John, but were relieved to notice it was at it's sucky, sappy conclusion. Yay.

But as we were moving on to our manicures, they fired up Everyone's Fine. What has happened to Bobby D's career? Sigh

A quarter of the way through the film, Bev excused herself to the broom closet back room to be violated for her appointment with some hot wax.

Meanwhile, I had no choice but to allow my nails to dry and watch the movie. It was too late to stop. I was committed to see how this piece of poo ends. I then noticed one of the salon employees busting out his own portable DVD player. WTH? Even they hate this crap, and yet they make us watch it!

As he sat across the salon, enjoying his own film, he continuously kept turning down the volume of the movie showing on the big screens. Soon, I found myself leaning closer to the screens, practicing my lip-reading abilities, while he tinny little DVD player was turned up louder and louder.

And then suddenly it happened. The sound of an obvious porn flick filled the salon. YES! YES! YES! OHHHH OHHH OHHHHH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!.

I spun to face the ladies sitting next to me, also getting their nails done. Not a single reaction. I turned to the little Asian guy with his DVD player sitting on his lap, smiling.


Did I take a crazy pill? Was I the only one hearing this? WTH!!!! Why is Bev missing this?! Where the hell is Bev?

Oddly enough, as it sounded like the scene was, *cough* coming to a conclusion, he finally turned the volume down.

I can't believe Bev was missing this.

Getting back to the cheesy Deniro film, which despite it's craptastic-ness, still made me cry (damnit!), I began to increasingly get worried that the film would never end about Bev.

But as soon as the credits rolled, Bev reappeared from the broom closet back room, a bit red in the face and muttering something about getting to the car NOW.

And dare say, she looked much younger.... I mean, much, MUCH younger. No, really, I mean, decades younger. So I hear. (yeah, you're going to want to click on that.)


Bev said...

DOOOOOOD. That was the craziest "spa" experience ever!! I'm still traumatized. I've been drinking fluids & resting, but it will be a long time before I recover.

And I can't believe I missed out on the porno!

Frank Irwin said...

Mala, are you sure that those sounds were coming out of the guy's DVD player and not the back room?

Coffeypot said...

How do you get a job like that. I could so do the waxing about loving your job.

Lori said...

Oh my gosh. That's all.
Porn and a veeeeerrrrryyyy thorough Brazilian.
Oh my gosh.

MtnMama said...

Yeah, same for me on the DeNiro flick.

I can not BELIEVE what a "special" experience you two had at the salon yesterday! I NEVER get the bonus features! hahahahahaha! Although, Bev suffered, while you were only mildly embarrassed. (you WERE embarrassed, right?)

The revenge of the SouthEast Asians. Coming soon on DVD.

jessica o said...

Can you imagine what kind of torture goes on in a massage parlor? I love the image of you sitting there, waiting for your nails to dry and trying not to get emotionally invested in Everyone's Fine. Not so crazy about bald muffin or spread-and-pluck images I now have of Bev. I feel dirty. I gotta go soak my eyes in bleach.

Samsmama said...

Ah, that's excellent! Happy Endings for everyone!