Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Corona Bastardos - NaSePiMo

** note: you have to say this post title in your best Ricardo Montalban.  C'mon, DO IT!!! **

The other day I was buying Mayo in a 55 gallon drum shopping at Sam's Club when I spotted a tower of Corona.  Being that I'm holding fast the last glimmers of summer, I decided I could enjoy one last case some more summer brew.  As I reached for a case of liquid delicious-ment, I stopped myself and decided to go all healthy and good for me, and so I selected the Corona LIGHT.  Go me!

Fast forward to hours later when I retrieved a perfectly chilled bottle of Corona LIGHT from the frig.  I stopped dead in my tracks as I held the bottle.  "When did my hands get so big?", I thought.  "Oh mah GAWD!!!  How could I have never noticed I have freakin' MAN HANDS!!!". I quickly ran through my mind what my future held now that I had come to the realization that I possessed ridiculously monstrous hands; I'd become a shut in, add oven mitts to my daily wardrobe and try not to frighten small children with my hideous malformation.

Joe must have noticed the tears welling in my eyes as I stood motionless, staring at my gigantic ubber-mitts.
"Honey, they're little 6 oz. bottles."

WHAT?!  Mini bottles?  What the hell, Corona!  50% less calories because there's 50% less beer!!!!  Party foul, my friend!  Bad form, indeed.

So let the record show, I tried.  I think I earn some points for at least buying LIGHT beer... so I've done my part, yeah?

Oh course, being that the bottles are so wee....


Samsmama said...

See!!! I KNEW you weren't going to fizzle out on day two! You rawk!

Ok, I sort of had an idea where this headed. But let me assure you, it did not take away from how freaking hard I laughed when I got to the picture. I know you're not a Seinfeld fan, but I think Bev will relate when I say that I immediately imagined you cracking lobster.

Well done, Hot TaMala! Well done!

Frank Irwin said...

The smaller bottle probably weighed less, making it doubly LIGHT.

I was going to make a Seinfeld comment, but Samsmama beat me to it.

Mary said...

my husband did the same thing earlier in the year...and told me he bought me some beer I'd like. I open the pack and thought, oh that's just hilarious! Ha ha on me, the light weight drinker!
He didn't realize it either when he bought it...and trust me: your version was much funnier :)

word ver: unboner

I was really excited about my Corona might until I saw how small the bottle was...that was a real unboner.

Organic Meatbag said...

Wait, wait...I'm still speaking in the voice of Ricardo Montalban... Welllcome to Fantasy Island!

This is why I don't drink beer...I don't need the stress...hehehe.,..

Anonymous said...


MtnMama said...

That's just WRONG. All that extra glass, without the extra beer. Foul indeed.

Reminds me of the little 10 oz Coors glasses we used to serve on a "platter" at Lanes Tavern, back in the day. $4.50 for 10 of 'em, and people thought it was a DEAL!

Anonymous said...

And that's why I drink Whiskey!!!!

Mala said...

Samsmama - Fizzle?! Second day?! NEVER!!!!!
third day....maybe.
Sorry your Seinfield reference was totally wasted on me. I suck.

Frank - those bottles were so wee there's no possible way they could fit things like carbs and calories in them. So, 6 beers later.... we're good, right?

Mary - HA HA HA!!!! Unboner is now officially part of my daily vocabulary. Thank you!

OM - yes, stressful. Who knew I need to drink... before I drink.

Brooklyn - Thanks. Seriously, at least I burned some extra calories opening the other 5 bottles.

MtnMama - Wait? Served on a platter?! Bring it on!!!

Courtney - Is it? Is it really??? ; )

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

And after you drank those wee bottles, you turned them into wee!

I'm so effing clever!

Bev said...

OMG, I just laughed like a drunk Freshman while reading this post! Your whole "Shut-in wearing oven mitts" thing = brilliance!

And yes, MAN HANDS! Girl, you have got to get with the Seinfeld program. There's an episode for everything!

Smama - cracking lobster, yes, and don't forget, "You've got something on your face. Here, I'll get it for you...."


onebadmamajama said...

That was frickin' hilarious! Thank goodness hubby was there to save you from an oven mitt wearing fate worse than death!

Man hands, indeed! LOL

Lori said...

ManHands was one of my favorite Seinfelds....and unboner will now be SO in my bag of descriptive words!

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