Monday, July 6, 2009

Close Encounters of The Deliverance Kind

So yesterday I found myself in the Great North Country; husband-less, child-less... just me and the sweet open road. So I decided to take a 2 1/2 hour side trip to see a little field in the middle of no where visit a historical site in Stark, NH.

I know what you're asking... "WTF?" "Mala, what's so interesting about this site that you'd drive all over creation to see it?" Well, you know I have mentioned I'm working on a book (or at least something I hope someday grows into a book), well my story, although fiction, historical fiction actually, takes place in a real place, and the remains of that place just happens to be a little field hours north of where I live. I've been doing research on this place for about a year but I have never had the opportunity to actually visit it. Oh sure, I've read historical books about it and I've Google Earth'd the hell out of it, but really I've just wanted to go there and see it for myself. So Sunday, since I didn't have anyone harassing the piss outta me was cruising solo, I decided I would finally make the trek.

So after a few hundred miles, much of which without any radio reception and cell phone coverage....yeah right!, I made my way north of the White Mountains, through towns that I can't figure out why on Earth anyone would live there, I finally made it to little, tiny, don't-blink-or-you'll-miss-it Stark. I drove north of the town until I found the little historical marker for Camp Stark. The road was long and not a soul on it. I pulled over and actually felt a little giddy for finally being at this special little spot. I'm a very visual person and to write a story based around this place, I desperately needed to see it, walk on it, breath it in.

I was wearing a skirt and heels (shut up! It happens every once in a while) so while sitting in the driver seat I wiggled and maneuvered into some jeans and sneakers since I needed to hike through some woods to get to my destination. At the half way point of undressed and public nudity, a seedy pickup zipped past me. I immediately saw the break lights. "oh shit" I thought.

Panic does not make jeans go on faster, especially with a steering wheel in your way.

I watched as the pick up made a u-turn in the middle of the road. I told you, middle-o-nowhere'sville! I started chanting "shit! shit! shit!" like it would help me get dressed faster. And as the truck passed again they banged another sharp left and pulled up behind me. I scrambled for my sneakers and totally felt like I had been busted for doing something immoral... geesh.

So the next part of this story I'm ashamed to even admit... I got out of the car and walked to the truck. In my defense, I was totally thinking it was someone who assumed I was broken down. I mean, why else would a female all by her lonesome anybody be pulled over on the side of a deserted road hours away from civilization.

That 'oh hell' moment hit me as soon as I looked in the cab.

I now know what this kid looks like as a grownup. Oh and he brought his even less attractive cousin.

I thought for a moment, would it be socially unacceptable to just saunter back to my car without a word?

"I'm all set. Just stopped to read the sign" I said... you know, totally assuming still they were just being good Samaritans.

"Why don't you come home with us?", one of them said. I couldn't tell which one because the sonic wave of alcohol stench made me close my eyes tightly and brace myself. Oh. My. Hell.

As I turned to walk back to my car I could here them slurring, "Where you from?" "She got NH plates." "You English?" "What you mean Great British?" "Lady, what are you?" "Why don't you come home with us?"

I closed my car door and hit the lock button. I looked around.... nothing but woods and mountains. I grab my cell phone and that bitch has been searching for service the past 43 miles. Great. One thing's for sure, scream all you want, no one is going to hear you. And it could take months to find a body... if they ever found the body. Oh, and for the first time in my life EVER, I hadn't told anyone where I was going. I had just been enjoying the peace and quiet. FML.

So I sat in my car, with Jeb and Earl parked right behind me. I didn't want to drive because I had the feeling they'd just follow. So I just sat there, pretending to be on my cell phone. And we all sat, like some creepy game of Hillbilly Chicken. Ten Freakin' Minutes later! they finally pulled up beside me and shouted "alright, bye then!" and drove off. Scary Mo'Fos!

I watched until the truck dissolved into a tiny speck and disappeared around the bend. And then I waited a few minutes to see if they'd turn around again.

Finally I got out of my car and trekked through the woods to the clearing I had driven so far to see. I looked back at the road, it was hardly visible. Could I see the truck if it came back? Probably not. Damn it!!! I've been wanting to come here for so long and now I'm here, it's a beautiful day.... and my skin is crawling. Every step deeper into the clearing in knee-high grass made my stomach turn more and more. Every cell in my body was screaming to leave. So I quickly took a few photos and literally dashed back to my car.

I had nearly a 3 hour drive home to stew and be angry at the fact I didn't get to experience this historical area at all. No, instead it got ruined by some tooth-less, dirty, drunkhill billies!

But at least I'm still alive to be pissed. So I've got that going for me.


Samsmama said...

"Like some creepy game of Hillbilly Chicken." Awesome!

I hereby officially consider you lucky to be alive, and not a member of a new, inbred family.

Bev said...

Good lord! I'm just happy it happened across the river in NH and not on my home turf. I would never be able to live with myself if it were VERMONT hillbillies who murdered my best friend. I mean, I kind of expect that sort of backwoods action from anyone in NH who lives above the Notch. D'oh!

Oh, and Mala, I'm getting you a giant canister of mace and a tazer for your birthday. Sorry to ruin the surprise.

Mala said...

Samsmama - Thank you so much for assuming my family ISN'T inbred. You're a sweetie!!!

Bev- Ohhhhhhhhh!!! A giant canister of mace! So that's what you're ordering me from, you know... bigger than a baby's arm and good for all ladies. Whew! For a moment I thought it was gonna be some crazy sex toy!

Samsmama said...

Sort of depends on how you read it, now that I look at again. I said a "new" inbred family. But that's not what I meant.

BTW, loved seeing your mug on LOTD today.

onebadmamajama said...

OMFG! Have you never watched the XFiles?! That episode called "Home"?! For the record, I would have left as soon as the hillbillies did! That is some crazy ass shit right there!

I'm glad you are still alive and unmolested to tell the tale.

Oh my cheese and rice! My word verification is limpie!

Anonymous said...

Holy Shit, Mala! You've got to be kidding! Sounds like just your luck.. I mean looking for some peace and quiet and running into spine chilling hill billies!


Ivy Lee said...

Holy F^%K Mala! I can't believe you actually got out of the car. Funny how adrenalin makes you invincible. I once participated in a staring game with a drunk (possibly high on other substances as well) who was staggering down the street at 4 am in a not so savory area of Oakland. My husband (but not yet back then) thought he was going to get into a fight on my behalf. I told him I could have taken that dude down. He couldn't even walk straight. Yep, adrenalin made me have a lapse of judgement.

Sorry you didn't get to spend more time in that spot though.

Frank Irwin said...

Yoiks! Sounds scary.

But at least there weren't spiders.

Harmony said...

Holy shit Onebadmamajama! I thought of that same XFiles episode. *violently shuddering*

Mala I almost died from choking on my water when I read "like some creepy game of Hillbilly Chicken" LMAO you are brilliant. Glad to know you made out okay..I nearly yelled out a huge "NO!" when I read that you got out of your car after they left.

Mary said...

seriously? Hillbillies are to be feared more than the devil himself. I would readily walk through gang gun-fire than attempt to walk thru a pack of sleeping hillbillies.
And what onebadmamajama said? Yeah- watch that XFiles. You'll never venture that close to the billies again...ooooo, creepy!
Glad you lived to tell the tale- most don't, you know.

Anonymous said...

I'm sending all my guns your way.

Lori said...

You got out of the car? You got OUT? Holy moly, haven't you heard how wily those hillbillies can be? Heck, you could have been a big trophy. Better yet, a British trophy! Seriously, you KNOW you are in trouble when you both (presumably) are speaking the same language and you are asked if you are British because you actually can speak it in complete sentences. You are one brave gal!

Monica said...

Oh man! I have had a few similar experiences. My husband is forever telling me (begging & pleading because he knows I won't listen!) to NOT go places like that alone. Usually I take children along for protection and that makes him more worried.

I think of those experiences as major WARNINGS that will give you the caution to NOT other things alone that would put you in even more danger.... those SCARY times are blessings. So glad you got to share that story with us!!!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

That's why I make up my worlds to write about. Even though, you know, I'm a dude, I still try to avoid anywhere that has its own background music provided by strains of slowly strummed banjo strings.

Mala said...

Samsmama - Thanks still. Yeah, I totally pulled the graveyard shift of FOLOTD. What's up Cary, ya think only insomniacs would dig me? Well at least he didn't call me loco this time.

OBMJ - no, I've never seen the x-files. Add that one to the heap of pop cultures staples that I have never watched. But I can imagine, quite clearly now, what it was like.

Lisa - true. I am a creep magnet. Wait until my next post. It's a doozy!

Ivy - I can't believe I got out of the car either. Especially without at least getting a look at them first. Totally stoooopid!

Frank - I kept chanting that to myself at the time. But last I knew, spiders don't molest people.

Harmony - I'm sure my Mom will say the same thing when she reads this. (yes, I haven't told her yet of my little misadventure. I'm sure I have a lecture comin' my way!)

Mary - I've seen, at a distance, hillbillies before, but these two were like the post children for the species. ACK!

Courtney - yes please! Especially when you read my next post. Gun shooting lessons are in my near future.

Lori - My thoughts exactly. I couldn't believe that they failed to recognize a normal American accent. Scaaaaa-ryyyyyy!

Monica - Children to often make good repellants for things like sanity, cute men, quiet.... but I'm not sure they'd work on rabid hillbillys. And yes, I'm taking it as a major warning. Lesson learned.

mjenks - I believe Ned Beatty was a dude.... squueeeeellllll!

Jillinator said...

wow... you're insane getting out of your car... I think that's why you're soo cool. reading that kind of freaked me out. a lot.

Shea said...

First off... great to see you made it out ok :)

Secondly... I get the English thing all the time around here with the redneck population... when I explain that I've really lived here my whole life they look confused.

Thirdly... hillbillies scare me. Rednecks, not so much.

Fourthly (is that a word?)... at least you got your pants on.