Friday, July 3, 2009

Continued Adventures of Our Lawn

Well, it's been raining here for like 2 years straight or something and what with running a summer camp here and the fact that my lawn is under water, I haven't exactly kept up with my lawn mowing duties. I know, I know I'm such a lazy ass. All I need to do is put some pontoons on the mower... and the weed wacker is gas so it's not like I'll get electrocuted... well, unless I get hit by lightning. But details people, details.
The condition of the lawn, despite the obvious reasons why, has annoyed Joe, and after asking me every day "are you going to mow the lawn toady?" (you know, in the torrential downpours), he announced he was hiring a lawn care service to mow this week (passive aggressive much?). When I foolishly reminded him the lawn guy wouldn't be mowing in a thunderstorm either, Joe back-peddled a bit by saying he was just hiring the guy to 'help me out'. Yeah right. Turn on the damn sun, that would help me out.
So today the sun finally made an appearance. I wrapped up this session of summer camp and as all the rugrats went on their merry way home I busted out the lawn mower and got to work.

This is the note I sent to the lawn guy's wife (who sets his appointments):

Hey Dawners,
It's so damn beautiful today that I mowed the lawn... Hope Tim doesn't mind. I really like mowing. It's the only time I can just relax in the yard (and can't hear the kids and they know not to come near me coz I'll mow their little asses over). So although Tim's a pro and would certainly render a better finished product, Joe sucks for taking away my quality mowing time. bastard.
Of and since I NEVER do as good as a job as Tim, I told Joe that Tim came and mowed and he was very pleased with his work. He'll probably be sending you a check.
Have a great day.


Lori said...

Girl, hurts my stomach to laugh these days so I may have to back off the reading because you CRACK ME UP! As usual, I read to John (who still won't actually sit and read...or at least while I watch) and you got the coveted, "That's funny," comment. Which, frankly, doesn't get awarded that often, so take a bow. He also laughed heartily at the thought of the kids knowing not to bother you because you'd run them over, and mentally, I think he was taking notes for how to train his rugrat. Nice work!

And, hey, thanks for helping stimulate the economy--do the work yourself, but pay someone else. Now, that's what I call patriotic.

Bev said...

Hey, sounds like money well-spent. I'd do manual labor to have a few hours of peace!

Jackie said...

You are truly too much...I can't stop cracking up :) Thanks for such a good laugh before I head to bed!!

Anonymous said...

Did you really tell Joe that Tim did it??? Too funny! I can think of a few things I'd tell Matt if he tried to hire someone to do all the crap I don't get to around here. Of course he still hasn't found the maid to fire her and we actually DO have a lawn guy (my Dad) since we don't have a mower that works! Hope you had fun with the mower! Let me know if you're free for some fun this weekend!


Frank Irwin said...

Dear Mala,

Can you tell Joe that I helped Tim, but that he doesn't have to pay me for it, just cover my airfare.

Your pal and mine,

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I thought I was the only one who mowed to escape his kids. Now I don't feel so all alone. And like a bad parent.

Ah, guilt-free living via the blogosphere.

Mala said...

Lori - Training the little buggers is key! Gotta start 'em young.

Bev - After hangin' with a half dozen kids all weeks (in the rain), you have no idea the lengths I'd go to just to get away from the questions and chatter!

Jackie - awwww, shucks. Thanks.

Lisa - Of course I told him Tim did it. If I said I had done it he would have bitched about how he had to weed wack in the dark and "finish it" himself. Since 'Tim did it', he looked around and said "looks good". FML

Frank - Sure. But airfare to where?

Matt - So nice to see you here. Stop in anytime. Poor parenting is just one of my charming attributes.

Samsmama said...

Mala, that is absolutely hilarious! And completely genius of you. Everybody wins!

Jillinator said...

that note was too-freaking-funny! Loved it!

onebadmamajama said...

That was freakin' hiliarious! That'll teach him to threaten to take away your mowing privileges! HA!

Jean Ma said...

It just shows that women can also equal or do better in lawnmowing. Wives can also start a lawn mowing business.